In April, Kansa would be gone now for a year. Yet it feels like it just happened. The violent end to my life as I knew it and the start of a long train of self-destructive behavior on my part.
I put in as many hours at work as I do to push off the thoughts of suicide that race through my head. When I lost Kansa I lost my identity as her provider and I failed as her protector. Living with the guilt has not been easy.
Last night I had a dream where Kansa told me to find the happiness I deserve. She told me that right before the car got hit and the love of my life died in my arms.
The police said the other driver was drunk and there was nothing that I could do as the driver to prevent the accident, but my doctors had told me that because of my failing vision that I shouldn’t be driving, for years. The guilt has destroyed me for this was my first Christmas without Kansa. I find myself looking for anything that would keep my mind off of it. God help me.