Rebuilding my life

Got my first paycheck today, only $74.00. But it is a start. When I ran out I only had one pair of underwear. It felt good in provide for myself. Darlene took that away from me to make me feel like I needed her.

Monday I want open a bank account and start direct deposit from work. Friends have taken me in so I can get back on my feet. But I may have found a more permanent place to stay. Time will tell.

A week has passed and I couldn’t open a bank account do to the crap the Darlene put me through. So I have a prepaid card that lets me take direct deposit. In the meantime saving money seem to be on hold until after Christmas. I hate the gift thing.

I need to discipline myself to not spend the money I save. Finding and apartment that will take me is my first goal. In the meantime, I have started to write again. Freedom is a wonderful thing.

What Keeps Us Going?

For many having something to do every day helps us define who we are to other people. By not allowing me to work Darlene striped me of my identity.

My self-esteem was in the crapper. But after I left for civilization I felt much better. I started working again. I am not taking well to the graveyard shift but it is a job. Now I am setting goals to rent a room closer to work.

In the meantime, I have enjoyed getting to know my new family. Today is Thanksgiving and I enjoyed dinner with the largest exstended family I have ever known.

I have been building a fictional caractor named Bail Tempist. But it was put on hold by moving in with Darlene. However Darlene and Kansa both contribute to the caractoristics of an Antagonist, named Sonya Write.

What keeps me going without Kansa is hope for the future. Darlene killed that Hope, now is my chance to get it back.

It is time to move on

Kansa was lost to me on April 6th 2017. She told me that she wanted me to be happy. Well my loosing my best friend and having my world collapse around me, put me into a tail spin.

I was in and out of the hospital for mental health issues more times than I could count, over the last eight months. But much of that was the way Darlene was treating me.

I was forced by circumstances to give up both my job and my apartment and move in with Darlene. Where I was getting grief for just being in the same room. I was already suicidal. She did not help.

As I said before it is time to move on. I will always love Kansa and Darlene showed me how I must have been while Kansa was in the hospital. I have no question as to why my marriage ended.

Darlene showed me first hand. Kansa would never becoming back but I learned how to be a better person.

Freedom has value

So many think that domestic violence is only a crime against women. Well I am here to tell you the rest of the story.

For the past 8 months I was trapped in the subberb of hell known as Estancia, OR. I was not allowed to get a job and I had to ask permission to go anywhere. The person I was living with would scream at me for even the smallest thing. I was in Hell. Broken bones and cracked teeth served as proof that I would not hit a woman. I stayed because I felt I had no where to go. She was the cause of my loosing my job and my apartment in the first place. But friends told me that they would take me in.

It took me three days to find a job in Vancouver and I am much happier now. I am going to church again which was another thing my warden would not let me do and I am at peace with my choosing to leave. I had to make an excuse to leave the house to make my escape with only the clothing on my person. 

Hope, the dog I took with me would not leave my side and I could not take her with me. So I had to tie her up on a fence and go my separate way. I found out later that Hope made her way back to Darlene, I was hoping a homeless person would take her. She would have been better off.

Now I am staying with people who care about me and am working towards finding my own place. I have my life back thanks to friends and God’s grace. I am free!

But freedom comes at a price. I was not able to leave with the things I needed to rebuild my life, so I had to replace my Social Security Card and other things that I was not thinking about when I left.

The night before I left I arranged for my father to pick me up. I only needed to get out. A feeling of peace came over me once my decision to leave was made. All of the problems of the past 8 months just disappeared.

I would no longer be isolated from the world like a POW. I did that already, my mission was to find a means of escape and follow through with the plan. I needed an excuse to leave the house that can only be described as a prison.

So I took the dog for a walk. I waited for a bus to get out of Hell and into something resembling civilization. From there I would make a choice. But what ever I was going to do, I could not take Hope with me. I had to tie her to a fence so the dog would not fallow me.


Anthony W. Antolic

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Studied at Mount Angel Seminary in 2004, For the Arch Diocese of Seattle. I left the Seminary when hurricane Katrina hit, to help out.
Please Note that any gaps are filled in with Temp work from Express Professionals.
I have written some books. You can find them at HTTP://Amazon.Com/author/Anthonyantolic

I Choose To Be Happy

Over the passed year, I have lived throw cancer gotten divorced, been diagnosed with diabetes and been in and out of the mental health ward ofour local hospital and still people want me to go on.
What I have learned through this is that my happiness must be up to me. I am not perfect and don’t pretend to be: however, I know that  in spite of my past I can still have hope.

Darlene came to my rescue when Kansa left me. I had hoped to at least keep a friendship with my ex-wife, but she would not have it. Her choice forced me to move on. Now I am married to Darlene and still not quite recovered from the lost of Kansa in my life.

Yesterday Darlene and I went to the beach with Arthur, who is one of our dogs and watched him play in the sand. We took the long way home and enjoyed the time we had together. Kansa and I never took the to do the simple things like just taking a drive for no reason.

Relationships take work and Kansa gave up. I find myself stuck in one day’s event, that keeps me from moving on. The pain of  April 6, 2017 has me checking and rechecking the date. I have lost track of my life because of being stuck in the moment that Kansa walked out. I must choose to move on.

Working on it

Kansa and I worked out what we could but we never would get back together. I still send her the occasional letter just to show that I care but at least in this life time we agreed mutually that even a friend ship my be too much. But the truth is we are just too different. She needs someone who cares about holidays and birthdays. 

The ironic is that the day she  left for good I bought her a ring to replace to one she said she lost or did she throw it away like she did to me? I had it in my hand when I was invaded by her family. I clinched it so hard that even today the pattern of the ring can be seen in the palm of my hand.

Kansa has desided to leave me.

From day one with Kansa’s councilor, the friction has been extreme. He told her to leave me, and she promised to stay but she she is going back to see him for counciling. 

When I confronted her about it, say said that I was giving her an ultimatum. I see it as Kansa never thinking of my feels on the matter and just doing what she wants. In fact the first thing she did this morning was call Doug, knowing that thus would hurt me. I am trying to be understanding but I am feeling lied to and spit on by my best friend.

I have been feeling alday that she doesn’t care about our relationship and rhat I need to just move on. I have been prayi g about this and gotten nothing so fare. At this point I am feeling a bit suicidal myself.

I have no one to turn to and Kansa is not listening. She feels that I am being selfish for getting upset about her seeking help. I say if Psychiatry was a real science Kansa would have a valid argument. But anything she tells me about multiple personalities smiply offends me. It is as if she thinks of me as some naive child who would believe anything.

Anyway it has been a long day and I just want it to end. I am hopping to feel differentially after some sleep. Kansa wants me to come and see he tomorrow but I fear that I would not be good company after being lied to and taken advantage of. Someone please shoot me and take me out of my misery.

My world is crashing down around me. My best friend has went the way of my family. I am so alone. 

I am not doing too well myself right now. I have always had Suicidal Tendencies the difference is I learned to recognized what was happening and surround myself with people my issue right now is I can’t find anybody to stay with. Being alone is dangerous for me at this piont. 

The Hospital Back Home Got Her Sick.

After about a week of Kansa being locked up in the prison they call a hospital, I started to ask myself why Kansa gets sick around both Christmas and Easter? Then I remebered that her meds were charged. 

I went back into my journal and found a trend that was unmistakable. 

  • November 15, 2010 Doctor changed meds for sleeping.
  • December 10, 2010 Kansa goes into hospital.
  • March 1, 2011 Doctor changes sleeping Meds.
  • March 10, 2011 Kansa ends up in hospital with suicidal thoughts.
  • December 3, 2011 Doct changes meds.

You can guess whst happened next. Seven years latter and the same patern is seen. It is as if the doctors were contracted to kill my wife the same way they killed my grandfather. I don’t know what to do other than stay on the Isle of Apples.

Avalon is the most beautiful of the islands ans I have always thought of her as home. Kansa would not understand why we could not go back to see her family but my families history may have put a price on her head. Here on the Isle of Apples she should be safe.

After all no council member would dream of breaking the treaty of Dann. This is sacred gound where no blood can be spilt in anger. I do pitty the fool who would ever break a covenant mad with the gods of pur fathers.

Christians dismiss and even mock the faith of the ancient religions, yet the Egyptians had 100% success rate winning the fight against cancer.

Mock me all you want, but I believe in the Tuath Dé.


Please Note: This post is a work of fiction that is used to teach a leson at

I am so tired.


We were up all night, my wife and i. She listened to her music as she paced the hard wood floor of our old farm house. At first i thaught it was jetlag, we had been traveling a bit over the passed month. But this will be our last hop for a while. It is funny to me that Kansa’a family thinks she has an accent now. I think they do. At any rate Kansa started to show signs of depression.
“Not now!” I thought, we don’t even have medical insurance yet. Never the less I had to call Faith, a student at Trenity who is working her way through school as my assigned driver. She lives just down the road, so she took now time to get here.

There was a knock on the door. “Professor Antolic! Its Faith. The service said you needed a hospital?”

“Yes, it’s Kansa! Thank you for being so quick.”

“Not an issue Professor. Welcome back home.” Faith helped me pick up my wife and put her in the car. “We will take her to Saint James. But you look beat, I will stay with her. Take the care and go home.”

When we got to the hospital I saw Glenn. “Professor, your back! Welcome. Thanks for your help on that thing a little bit ago. We were able to close the case with some help from what you gave us.”

“I am glad to her it.” I said as I greated him with a hand shake.
“You look beat Proff, let’s finish our business here and I’ll take you home. You should not be driving and you know it.” Glenn took Faith’s keys from me and gave them back to her. “That is why the school hired my sister.” Faith chuckled under her breath.

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